What does love have to do with it?
As we move through life hoping, dreaming and wishing for perfect relationships, it helps to let go of the idea of the television sitcom perfect relationship. Many relationships in life are messy, unpredictable and disappointing, and that includes family relationships.
So what’s the missing piece?
Whether we realize it or not, we are in a relationship every moment of every day. The people we live with, the person at the gas station, our boss, our dentist or doctor, the sales clerk and even ourselves. And let’s take it even further; the people who enable us to have running water from the tap, lights on when we flick a switch and the techie when our computer crashes. (oops!)
However the most important relationship we have every day, is the one we have with ourself. As we communicate with our other relationships, we also communicate with ourself. Our self talk is the most important conversation we have every day. Amazingly we have about 50,000 thoughts a day — 35 or so a minute, and that’s on a slow day! Knowing that what we think about, we bring about, you’d think we’d be more careful about our thoughts and self talk wouldn’t you? Because the relationship we have with our self is pivotal with how we manage and nurture other relationships. It’s the seed and flower of all relationships — and we know, sometimes those relationships can be thorny.
Society tells us that labels, zip codes, belief systems, sex and nationalities make us different — or special. But, they don’t have to. If we focus on our life values, we’ll find that we’re more alike than different. Values such as respect, trust and the need to be heard are the same across cultures, races and political parties. What breaks us apart — the missing piece if you will — is the unspoken and unwritten expectations or mind contracts we have with everyone in our life.
When we choose relationships, or how we relate to people in our family, I believe we spend more time and focus choosing a flavor of ice-cream than we do to how we start, build and live and work in relationships. Particularly the relationship we have with ourselves. This relationship with ourself is critical because we take ourselves everywhere we go! All healthy relationships are designed
purposefully starting with a a strong relationship with ourselves — living our values, knowing our priorities and what we want, need and are willing to give in all life relationships.
Another missing piece is the awareness that we always take snapshots of everyone we have a relationship with, and we expect them to behave according to our snapshot. The clerk at the check-out counter, our long-time friend or lover, and most of all our family. By doing this we are removing the humanity of our interaction with the expectations of consistent performance. A best friend since 3rd grade who complains that her friend has changed, or a long time boy friend/girlfriend who is ‘different’ to what they were. The question of “why are they doing this to me?” avoids the reality of others being whole human beings who evolve and change the same and different way we do. If not we’d all be still crawling on the floor in diapers! People do change and grow.. like you do. But as long as the values are the same, your relationship can still be there. It’s when values change that relationships dissolve.
So as you change, your relationships may change. You get to choose. You get to choose who and how you are, living life through your values, priorities and what you want your relationships to look like. That’s the secret. Know who you are, know your values and live them. That’s the missing piece.
